On Being a Husband to a Pregnant Wife (Installment 2)
When Becca and I first learned that a fertilized egg named Harold had set up shop in Becca's womb, it was all we could do to keep from blurting the news to the whole world immediately. A baby had been the desire of Becca's heart (Psalm 37:4) for many many months, and we were overjoyed to be able to share what the Lord had done for us (Luke 8:39) with anyone who would listen. I set up a hierarchical list of people with whom we wanted to share the news before it became "public knowledge," and we started making phone calls and house calls to friends. I eventually announced our pregnancy at the church picnic, we launched Becca's blog, and the world officially became in the know.
Without fail, everyone's first reaction was one of excitement, smiles, hugs, and kisses. Most everyone goes through the same set of questions: How far along are you? When's it due? Are you going to find out the gender? Are you nauseous? These are all fine and good. It's a blessing to be able to share such joy with those you love, and an equal blessing to be able to see their reaction.
What has been extremely disappointing has been what people often say after they are finished asking the first set of questions. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I have observed that many people feel the need to try to discourage us. I believe that it’s generally unintentional, but it happens often enough to note the trend and to not like it.
Some of the most common examples:
Oh, you’ll hate cloth diapers. We tried them with our first and couldn’t last more than a month. You’ll get sick of it real fast--just wait and see!
Have you started to gain weight yet? Get ready for blimp mode-you’re gonna get so fat!
Oh, have fun trying to breast feed. Your nipples are gonna be sore for months.
Enjoy your last few months of alone time. You won’t be able to leave your house for the next 10 years without a metric ton of baby stuff, and car seats, and diaper bags, and toys, and…and…and…
People also share unsolicited horror stories about labor, or not being able to breast feed, or not losing weight after delivery. People project their own worst-case scenario onto us and our pregnancy and all but assure us that we are doomed to share in all the terrible aspects of their first pregnancy.
I don’t understand what motivates people to share what they do. I don’t understand what causes someone to brush through seeming obligatory responses of I’m excited for you and You’re going to be great parents and skip ahead to the doom and gloom stories that everyone seems to have queued up just for us. Does anyone care to edify and encourage new parents? Even if every negative word were absolutely certain to come to pass, would it be necessary to share it?
When a friend pulls into your driveway with his new car, do you feel obligated to remind him of how much his car has depreciated since he bought it or try to get him to think about when he will have to junk it? No—you open the door, take a deep breath of the new car smell, and probably don’t even think about declining his offer for a ride around the block.
I am not foolish enough to think that Becca and I are fully equipped to be perfect parents at the moment. There are myriad things that I am sure can only be learned on the fly, as we go through our first pregnancy and become parents for the first time. But as we have done throughout our marriage, we are eager to glean wisdom from those who have trod the road on which we find ourselves presently traveling. We love asking questions of trusted friends and family, and generally receive counsel well.
We are not foolish enough to expect a flawless pregnancy, a Nicole Eskow-type labor experience, and a dreamy life as parents of a newborn. We understand that breast feeding doesn’t agree with everyone. We know full well that cloth diapers will be more of a challenge than disposable. We know that a baby will change our life forever. We don’t know everything, but we know enough.
I just wish that more people would respond like Walter Stuber, who heartily shook my hand and beamed as he said You're gonna love being a father! It's wonderful! Better yet was the reaction of his daughter, Deb Stuber, whose reaction reads as follows:
It will be so wonderful to watch him/her grow! The Creator of life is amazing. I can't think of anything that has affected our life more than experiencing childbirth! You will see your Creator in a new light.
How refreshing!
7 comments:
Welcome to the first part of parenting bro... and buckle-up, because it does not get better.
Just smile and nod, say thanks... the intent is good even if the reception is not. :-)
i hope we didn't do any of that. 1) because we're going to be first time aunt/uncle and we're super excited, and 2) we've never had the experience of pregnancy or childbirth. scold us if we say anything like that. seriously.
It most commonly comes from women who are mothers--and it doesn't matter how recently they last gave birth.
Deb Stuber captured it well when she said it's as if they are unduly trying to temper our joy and wonder.
May I remind you of this when we are pregnant with our first? Not that I really think you'll need it :-).
I like getting excited about babies.
hi Scott, I never comment on people's blogs but your post here prompted me to do so.
As a somewhat recently pregnant woman and newish mother I know exactly where you are coming from...I can recount to you the numerous times I experienced women's pregnancy and birth horror stories as well as had my belly touched by many an uninvited hand...however for each horror story I also heard as many joyful stories and about exciting pregnancy and birth experiences. Telling personal stories, be it scary or joyful, are mothers' ways of relating to another pregnant woman - almost like folk stories - trying to pass along wisdom even if it comes off as just trying to freak you out. Pregnancy is a mysterious thing - it seems that pregnant women become public property and the stories and touching are just part of the gig. I used to get super annoyed when women told me their stories (especially the horrible ones) but it occurred to me one day that they were trying to relate to me and also, even if it wasn't the most positive way, trying to prepare me for what was coming. After a while I learned to smile and nod and then go about my business - though I never got used to the uninvited touching.
Once i was on the other side of pregnancy - I realized that there were times when I reflected on the women's stories that I had heard - especially in the toughest days and even the bad ones made me smile. Becoming a mother is like joining a club - you want to share all you can with those who are just getting their membership. If anything, you can glean from these stories that every women experiences pregnancy and birth differently - and this becomes her story - the only one she has to share. You will eventually have one too and i hope that you will want to share your experience with other newly pregnant women. I mean, you know what i went though during and after having Abby - it was a horrifying experience for me on the tail of the most joyful experience of my life - but that's the story of my baby's birth - should i not tell it just because it's got some bad parts? Just because people are telling you their stories doesn't mean they are trying to temper your wonder and joy - they felt wonder and joy too (I hope) but also have a different perspective being on the other side. But you can never have too much information and never know enough preparing for and having a baby - just make sure you're not alienating yourself from the people that might be your best sources of knowledge. No one can broadcast their pregnancy to the world (not that you can hide it after a while :)) and then control how people will react to the news.
And just as an aside - Greg is right...it doesn't get better cause after the baby is born then everyone gives their two cents about how to raise the kid, how to breastfeed, schedules and feeding and vaccinations, people will criticize and make fun – and there are tons of stories about those things too - it's a never ending cycle.
Thanks for your input, Natalie. It's good to hear the perspective you have on the other side of your first pregancy. I'm honored to host a comment from you on my own blog.
I don't expect people to only say good things. I don't expect people to not share difficult experiences from their own pregnancies/labors. I do understand that hearing of others' pains or mistakes can help us approach our pregnancy and labor from the best angle.
What bothers me is when people declare with certainty that we will hate the same things that they hated, or that there is no way that we will avoid the perils that they experienced.
I don't have a problem with a woman saying she had a difficult labor. I am offended when the line is crossed and she attempts (consciously or not) to beset the heart of my wife to despair by suggesting that all the same horrors are in store for Becca.
I am shocked to see how often this happens. I am discouraged that there are not more women who point us to how wonderful the Lord is as the giver of life. I am sad that more women don't focus on the Lord's care for our three bodies and point us to trust more in Him.
I stumbled upon your posting through reading Joel's blog and felt compelled to comment. It makes me angry when people make such negative remarks about such a beautiful event. Giving birth and raising children changed my life in ways I could not possibly have imagined, and my daughters are the most glorious, precious gift the Lord could have ever blessed me with. They have been His since they were conceived and David and I were privileged that the Lord allowed us to raise them. We couldn't have done it without His wisdom. Enjoy every moment, tune out the negativity and look for His blessings at all times, even in the dirty diapers!
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